Consequences of Guilt
by AuroraBraelinVonHaus
Summary: AU for 6x09 Disciple. What would happen if Matthews had more bite to him? What if Kate had made a huge mistake asking Castle to wait outside the motel? Castle!whump - There isn't enough of it.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is an alternate ending from Disciple. I think it was too easy for Castle to simply tackle the suspect, and I just wanted more. So, so much more. **

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"_Be careful,"_ Castle said to Kate. He wanted so much to grab her and plant a kiss on her lips before she turned back to Ryan and Esposito, though if he was really honest with himself, he wanted to ask that she not go up there. If he had to stay behind, then he wanted her to stay behind with him and remain safe _for_ him. However, he knew how important this was. He had made the connection to 3XK, even if Kate didn't want to believe it herself. He would prove himself right, not for the stroke to his ego, but for the blow to 3XK's. He wanted that son of a bitch in irons, pulled apart by horses, and he wanted to do it himself.

Kate just didn't understand. Perhaps she had hit the nail on the head. He wore his guilt on his sleeve, but she was just so adamant that Tyson was dead. Part of him wanted to blame her for not trusting him, but he supposed he could understand. After all, she did have a pretty valid argument. Shot several times, hundred foot drop. Those were both pretty damning, but in his very core, he believed Tyson was alive.

Every passing second translated to the thundering beat of his heart in his ears when Kate, Ryan and Esposito moved at a cautious pace up to the motel room Jerry Tyson had once stayed in and outsmarted him. Castle clenched his teeth as the memory came flooding back to him, clear as day and as vivid as his own nightmares that somehow, when Kate slept in his bed, he did not have. She was his rock, and she didn't even know it. There had been nights since they had gotten engaged when she hadn't shared his bed and those nightmares had returned with a vengeance.

As he stood there, fists clenched at his sides, every second was too long for him. The team burst into the room and he held his breath, waited for gunshots, anything that would tell him what was going on in there. It took every ounce of effort not to follow them up those stairs, where the memory of what happened that fateful night years ago would freshly assault him. Perhaps Kate had been right to ask him to stay there, even if she had a different reason for asking him to. God, he wanted to rush up those stairs, be hot on Kate's heels because damnit, they were in this _together_. How could she do this to him? Not arguing with her seemed like a good idea at the time, weighed down by how serious the situation had become, but now… now… _now_ he couldn't stand the waiting and the not knowing.

In the midst of his own internal freak out over Kate's well being, he looked around, vigilant. That's when he saw him. Matthews, sneaking away behind cars, _strolling_ as though he had nothing to worry about, the same way Tyson had managed to escape just mere seconds before the cavalry came to save his life.

Castle moved, mindful of the patch of glass just off to the side where one car had rearended another. He felt like something of a tiger, ready to pounce on his prey. It was primal. It was instinctive. He hid behind a car as Matthews headed for the gate. Seizing his opportunity, he ran. The movement startled Matthews, and Castle tackled him to the ground. A few cracked ribs later, Castle pulled the murderer up by the lapels of his shirt. "Where is he?! Where's 3XK?" Castle demanded answers, felt himself wanting to cross certain lines that would be unforgivable to get there. He had done it once before, and though none of his family was in danger at this very moment, they were all in danger, nonetheless. Jerry Tyson was meticulous, and by framing Castle for murder last year, he had proven to be more of a problem than any of them could ever imagine.

Even though Matthews was in pain, Castle's brow furrowed at the smile on his face. He missed the flash of steel in the street light, gasped sharply as it sliced through the unprotected side of the velcro straps of his bulletproof vest. His grip on Matthews' collar tightened with the pain, fists curling desperately as he struggled to breathe. His eyes widened as the knife was pulled out of him, as though he was nothing more than a soft stick of butter. Blood seeped out from the slit in the navy blue armor. The second strike was more jarring, and a small, barely there cry escaped Castle's lips.

Matthews pushed at the writer, and it didn't take much for him to topple over onto his side and pull the knife out, struggling for air, writhing in pain. Matthews struggled to his feet, and looked down at Castle, his hand wrapped protectively at his right side, applying the needed pressure to the two stab wounds residing there. "Oh, you don't know how _easy_ it would be to kill you right now," he said, wincing. "Let your detective lady friend find you lying in a pool of your own blood. This is what you get for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong." Matthews looked at the blood dripping from the hunting knife and opened the gate. He looked back at Castle, shaking his head. "After everything I've heard about you, Mister Castle, I am underwhelmed."

Castle cast him a loathsome look. Adrenaline was all he had now, and surged forward, reaching out to grab an ankle, a pant leg, hell he'd settle for a shoelace if it meant it would trip Matthews up down the line. He missed. "NO!" he cried out as Matthews turned around and disappeared, leaving Castle to press his shaking hands back to his side.

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**A/N2: Continue? Abandon? Reviews give me muse. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"Clear!" Kate called out in the small motel room. Part of her was thanking God that there was no body swaying from a thin fishing line dangling from the ceiling.

"Clear," Esposito called from the bathroom. He sighed heavily, and looked around the room. Immediately he could recall the sight of Ryan lying on the floor, just right _there_. The same way Kate easily pictured Castle sitting in the chair with arms bound behind his back, powerless as he looked down the barrel of a gun, held by a man who could have easily pulled the trigger. The room held bad memories for Kate, too.

Kate looked around the room, finding nothing out of place. The bed was made perfectly, perhaps a little too perfectly, she had decided, as no motel worker would take such pride in their work. The wallpaper was dingy, the carpet dirty. Hah, maybe just for those reasons it was a good thing Castle was outside still. She didn't think she could handle any humourous shots at the terrible housekeeping. Though, as she thought it over, the case was so serious, and struck certain chords that Castle probably wouldn't make such comments, and that was so much worse.

The cleanliness of the room - such as it was - was a result of the OCD mind of Matthews. She sighed heavily and began searching around. There were no papers lying on the table, save for a couple of complimentary magazines that were yearly a year old. There was nothing under the bed. There was just _nothing_. "Damnit!" Ryan shouted.

Sighing to herself, Kate poked her head out the door, looking towards the dark police cruisers where she had asked Castle to remain. She was about to wave him up, give him the all-clear. When she didn't see him, she frowned, a tight feeling clenching in her gut. "Guys," she called back into the room. "Castle's…" _He's what?_ she thought to herself. Esposito came to the door behind her and looked over his shoulder.

"Dude, where's Castle?" he said, causing Kate to roll her eyes. That's what she had been trying to say.

She sighed heavily. "Well, there's nothing here," Kate muttered. "Ryan, call it in." Kate headed back down the stairs, her service weapon held tightly in her hand. Something felt off. With Castle in the wind at the moment, fear coursed through her.

"I bet he went for coffees," Esposito offered, but was looking around, every bit as worried as Kate was. "You know how he is when you tell him to wait outside." He tried for levity, but fell just short of the mark.

"_NO!"_ she heard at the other end of the parking lot, and that was a voice she couldn't forget. _Castle_. It was desperate. Painfilled. It gripped her heart so fiercely. She ran toward it, followed by her team. "Castle!" she called for him. She saw him struggling to his feet, hand pushing himself up from the pavement and failing so spectacularly when he remained on his knees.

"He went that way!" Castle declared with a tilt of his head. Where Kate slowed down, Esposito and Ryan ran faster, bursting through the gate with their guns leading the charge. Castle looked up at Kate as she came to a stop and knelt down next to him, her hand coiling around the back of his neck, touching the small hairs there. "Kate, go. Go! Don't let him get away." If she had seen the wounds he was hiding, she would have hesitated. She would have let Esposito and Ryan deal with Matthews on their own because she had faith in them. Even if the bastard got away, she wouldn't regret staying next to Castle. She would have called a bus for an officer down.

However, she didn't see. The only thing she saw was the determination in her fiance's eyes. He wanted that son of a bitch in handcuffs just as much as she did. Kate gave him a quick, determined look before she took to her feet and ran after the two detectives.

The moment she left, Castle longed for Kate to come back to him, but he thought he was protecting her. Keeping her away from this, from his injuries, his blood, he thought it would have been better somehow. In his pain fogged mind, he wouldn't be able to give anyone an explanation of how that made sense. He wasn't even sure it made sense to him, because as his own blood started to seep out from between his fingers, all he wanted was Kate, knowing she would somehow reassure him and make this better somehow. His vision blurred, and unable to control it he fell back over onto his side, giving up the last of his strength.

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She ran out the gate, leaving Castle behind. God, it hurt her to do it, but they needed this. "Ryan! Espo!" she yelled. She didn't have far to go when she sat Ryan and Esposito escorting Matthews back towards the motel. "Nice work," she commended her boys with a grin, coming to a halt in front of them.

"Yeah, he didn't get very far," Esposito grinned, and jostled the man in handcuffs. Matthews winced. "We think Castle may have broken some of his ribs. Shame it wasn't all of them."

"We were just going to take him to the hospital to get checked out," Ryan supplied. "He had _this_ on him." Ryan held up the bloody knife in an evidence bag.

Kate's eyes zeroed in on it, then flicked over to Matthews. _Shit. There's another body._ Guilt settled down within her. Yet another victim she couldn't honor. "Where's the body?" she asked, nothing in her tone suggesting he could get away with it. "Come on, Matthews. It's over. Where's the body?"

Matthews laughed, a sick laugh that had Kate's blood curdling. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"This isn't a game," Kate growled, taking one threatening step closer.

"Okay, detective. I'll throw you a bone." Matthews looked at the evidence bag. "I left the body by the gate of the motel." He set his intense gaze upon Kate once more, a smile forming on his lips as he saw her flinch and the facts registered in her mind.

"Castle…" she whispered, turned and ran back towards the motel.

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**A/N:Thank you bones35 and templyandcaskettforever for your reviews thus far. I very much appreciate them!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

**A/N: A huge thanks to codedriver for being my beta for this, and walking me through some of the medical stuffs that happened, though it mostly won't all be revealed until the next chapter. I hope I did this part justice for you, at least, but feel free to smack me if I didn't. ;)**

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Oh God! Why didn't he say anything before she ran off? Kate was reeling, panic had set in. Guilt above all else rested at the top of all her emotions. They were _partners_. She prided herself on being able to keep him safe… _when he was with her_. As her feet took her forward at a frantic pace, she bit down on her bottom lip, a punishment for every jostling step she took when her teeth sunk in. Tears stung her eyes. _I made him wait outside, _she thought to herself. The motel was back in sight, and she sprinted for the gate, locking her service weapon back in its holster. "Castle!" she cried out, approaching the gate.

Kate could see him lying on his side, and she couldn't get to him fast enough. She reached the gate, found it had locked into place. "Rick. Rick!" Panic swelled to untold heights when she noted he wasn't moving. "I'm coming, I'm coming." Grabbing the bars, she hoisted herself up, using her natural agility to hop over the barrier that would do very little to actually _keep_ people out. She dropped down next to the writer, careful not to land on his legs. Shock jolted through her joints, but she ignored the sharpness of it as she fell to her knees next to Castle. For the briefest of moments, she was scared to even reach out her hand to touch him for fear that he might already be gone. Her throat constricted at the mere thought of it. He looked so pale already.

She sucked in a breath while her fingers flitted around his neck, searching and desperately hoping to find his pulse. "Please be alive." Their story wasn't over yet. Kate almost laughed when she found it, because it was _there_. Thready, but there. She forced out the breath she had been holding and allowed her hand to indulge and brush over his clammy skin, pushing his hair back.

"Where is it, Castle?" she whispered to herself. Kate began to search, desperate to know what she was dealing with, and hopeful that it wasn't that bad. She had seen the blade, though, and immediately knew that this wasn't going to be that easy. Neither she, nor Castle, were just that damned lucky, because if his dreams came true, what did that say about his nightmares?

Castle was teetering on the edge of consciousness. He caught a glimpse of her before his eyelids shut once more. Damn, did she ever look like an angel. His own personal heaven sent angel. He couldn't tell you what he had done to deserve her, and he didn't care so long as he had her. No matter how much he thought he wasn't enough for her, his selfish nature demanded that he did everything he could to keep her. "Babe, just hang on. Just _hang on," _he heard.

She gingerly rolled him over onto his back, startled by the long drawn out groan coming from the back of his throat. _God! _When she saw the dark stain on the right side of his vest. She pulled at the velcro, giving her the room to inspect the wound. No, wounds. Plural. Low on his torso. She bit back the sob that wanted to escape as she pulled at his shirt, tugging it out of his pants. She pushed it up and couldn't help the strangled noise coming from the back of her throat. She pressed her hand to it despite Castle's pained protests.

His head lulled in her direction, the last image of Kate Beckett hovering over him chased him into unconsciousness, so beautiful and radiant, despite the sheen of sweat coating her forehead. "No, no! Castle! Agh! RICK!" she reached her free hand to his face, brushing back his hair, desperate for him to stay connected to her. It was happening too fast. She could feel the life oozing out of him, hot and sticky on her fingers.

"Beckett!" Ryan's voice came from behind her, as he hopped the fence and unlocked it for Esposito and Matthews. "Oh no. Officer down! I say again, we've got an officer down…" he shouted into the radio.

"Was the bone good for you?" the sick murderer taunted loud enough so he could be heard over Ryan on the radio. Kate looked up at Matthews upon his comment as he passed by on the way to the red cruiser. The knowing smile on his face had her gritting her teeth.

Ryan fell to his knees next to them. "What can I do?"

Kate's eyes never wavered from Matthews. He had wanted to see the look on her face as she was helpless to do anything but watch the life drain out of her fiance. 3XK be damned, she wanted blood - his blood - and that was the look she had graced him with. "Pressure, here." Ryan's hands replaced hers at the stab wounds just under Castle's arm. "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch," she growled.

"No, wait, Beckett!" Ryan reached and grabbed her arm just as she reached for her gun, smearing Castle's blood on her sleeve. "Kate, look at me! Kate!" He tried to break through her tunnel vision, and shook her arm. "Kate!" When she turned her dazed gaze towards him, he looked her straight in the eye. "Castle needs you." And after Castle recovered, he would need Kate to not be in jail _even more_. It was all Ryan could do to talk her out of throwing everything away. "He's alive."

She looked down at the man before her, that sob finally escaping the back of her throat as she scooted closer to his head. "Rick," she whispered, lifting his head to rest on her leg. Castle didn't need _her_. It was completely the other way around. She needed him more than she needed air to breathe. "Stay with me, partner," she cooed, aware of the jagged pattern in which his chest rose and fell with each small intake of air.

Kate could hear the sirens somewhere in the background, approaching closer and yet, just not fast enough. All she could do was whisper reassuring nothings in his ear and wonder if he could even hear her. He probably couldn't. Her fingers laced with his, tethering him to her.

Her thoughts had drifted to the dreaded '_what ifs'_. All she really knew was that she didn't want to go through the rest of her life alone. Once before, her thoughts had been about Martha and Alexis, how if anything happened to Castle, they would be deprived of a son and a father. _Because of her_, and that thought scared her, but now… _now_ there was a scarier thought that she just couldn't shake: how she would be deprived of her true love, and she felt sick thinking about it. She saw it as selfish, and yet...

One and done, right? He _promised._

Ryan had his hand at Castle's throat, and she was vaguely aware of it. Her tears fell, occasionally dropping onto Castle's cheek, or into his hair. She didn't care, though. "Beckett!" he cried, nudging her away from Castle. He lowered his head to the pavement, and tilted it upwards slightly. "Come on, Castle. Don't do this," he pleaded before leaning in and breathing for the man who couldn't do it for himself.

Kate rocked herself on her knees, watching, numb. Her lip quivered. She had no idea how long Ryan had been at it, but the sirens in the background drew closer, and yet not fast enough.

"Beckett, they're here," Ryan said, looking up at the paramedics. She could barely hear him, unable to register what he was saying. The medics took over, Ryan shifted out of the way. Castle was quickly loaded onto the stretcher, and rushed into the back of the ambulance. Ryan pulled Kate to her feet. "Go. Javi and I will be right behind you."

_With Matthews_ went unsaid.

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**A/N: I hope you are all enjoying this somewhat. It will probably get more angsty as it goes on from here on out, but if it makes you feel any better, I'm a huge Caskett shipper. Take from that whatever you will. ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the great reviews, and I am mostly just so thankful that you are enjoying the story. Once again, thanks to codedriver for his/her (is it sad I don't know this? lol) input. You did not have to go out of your way for me, or put up with my ridiculous (I'm sure!) questions, but I appreciate the fact that you did and you gave me some insight. Thank you. *hearts***

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_Go._

Kate turned towards the ambulance as the legs of the stretcher were folded and Castle - oh, God, Castle - was being pushed inside, oblivious to the slight jostling as he was situated in the back. _Go._ Ryan's voice kept repeating in her mind until her legs, which felt like jell-o, finally moved her forward, one step at a time until she was jogging to catch up and squeeze in before the doors closed. Maybe if she was there every step of the way, he wouldn't leave her. He'd find the strength she was mentally willing to him and just hold on, because she didn't need a paramedic to tell her it was for his dear life.

She sat down on the bench, made herself small whilst the medic shut the doors and the sirens overhead blew loudly. Castle's bulletproof vest was viciously cut off, along with his shirt, and though it was one of his favorites, Kate didn't give it a single thought. She grabbed his hand, brought it up to her mouth, pressed a kiss to his palm, breathed every shaky breath on his skin. He was so still, it was unnerving her. What she wouldn't give for him to open his eyes and delve into one of his coping mechanisms. She'd settle for a dirty joke. Or complain over the fact that his brand new iPhone broke in his pocket. She'd let him grope her in front of the two men in the ambulance if it meant he would just open his eyes.

The ambulance rocked as they dropped down off the curb and began speeding towards the hospital. While the medic was busy around the cabin, hooking Castle up to the heart rate monitor, Kate felt utterly useless. She held his hand against her cheek, occasionally continued to press kisses to his skin. All she was asking for was the slightest twitch of his fingers, something that would give her hope that this could be something they'd laugh about 40 years on. His fingers didn't move, didn't cup her cheek endearingly so she could nuzzle into it. No tingles traveled up and down her spine and shot to her very core, because fuck that one simple touch just does it for her every single time. The power he had over her, he used it to turn her into a puddle before him, and damn if she didn't enjoy it every time.

"I'll go to New Zealand with you," she whispered into his hand, drifting back to their last real conversation together that didn't have anything to do with murder. She would tour middle Earth for their honeymoon. She would, _really_. And she'd make a deal with the devil, if she hadn't done it years ago when she first started investigating her mother's murder. "Whatever you want." _I just want to be with you._

She looked up at the heart rate monitor, drawn to the erratic sounds. They weren't at all akin to the beats she heard thumping in his chest while they lay in bed, tangled together, head resting on his chest. He was the most comfortable pillow in the world. Then, her gaze flicked over to the medic who was grabbing several 4x4s of gauze. He positioned them over the wounds, and began placing two separate occlusive dressings over them, forming an air-tight seal around them on three sides.

He began preparing a flexible piece of plastic tubing, the endotrachael tube, and Kate inwardly cursed at the sight of it, knowing exactly what it was for. All she could do was watch as the medic attempted to slide the tubing down Castle's throat. "Ah, Tom! Get us to the hospital now!" the medic called to the driver. Though it seemed unnecessary, because he was going as fast as traffic would allow, the desperation in the medic's voice caused Tom to put his foot down a little harder on the gas pedal.

"What's your name?" the medic inquired, while his busily retracted the tube from Castle's throat.

For a second, Kate didn't know what to say. It was as though she had forgotten how to speak, or maybe she was slightly put off by the question when he should have been focused on Castle, and _why_ the fuck was he pulling the tube out?! "K-Kate," she replied unsteadily, squeezing Castle's hand tighter.

"I'm Alex," he introduced himself, sans a proper handshake. "Husband?" Obviously he meant the man whose windpipe he was violating.

She wanted to say yes. She couldn't wait for the day to be introduced as Mrs. Richard Castle - not that she had decided on taking his last name, but after today, how could she not. It was another chip she'd throw in the pot if would serve to keep him alive. Anything he wanted, she would give it to him. "Not yet," she breathed, hanging onto that hope for all she was worth. "I don't know how to live without him, anymore." She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but it was out there now.

"Sounds like you're at the end of a book," he said absently, setting the pipe off to the side. He didn't have to look up at Kate to know his words had struck her the wrong way. Kate was in shock. Did that mean how it sounded? She looked at Castle. Was it too late? Was their story somehow amounting to be a tragedy? She already had one of those in her life, and her heart pounded frightfully in her chest at the thought of another. There was only so much she could handle, and _this_… there was no coming back from this. "I meant your happily ever after," he amended.

"Can you just…" she gestured to Castle, indicating that he ought to be focusing on him, instead of her. "What's going on? What are you doing?"

"Trying to distract you," he replied, grabbing a bag valve mask. "Is it working?"

"I'm a detective," she growled, patience wearing thin. _No, it's not working. _Castle's head turned towards her, and for a heartstopping moment, she thought he was going to open his eyes. She looked at his lips, speckled with his own blood.

Alex sighed heavily, not wanting a detective to get in his face for withholding information. "It's serious. He needs surgery. I can't intubate him." As he placed the mask around Castle's nose and mouth, he considered Kate for a moment. "Since my distractions aren't helping you, Kate, I could use a hand? Think you can do that?"

The detective looked up, hopeful and nodded her head vigorously. He directed her to take over the bag valve mask, managing his oxygen intake. She was eager to feel helpful, to help her fiance hang onto life - to _her - _and she reluctantly let Castle's hand go, placing it at his side. "I just need to set up an IV, then I'll take over," he informed her as he moved about to accomplish his task. A moment later, he came back, and relieved her of the mask, and continued to squeeze the bag in a steady rhythm. "Great, Kate. Now, I need you to swing over there, and just apply pressure to the wounds." Though it felt like his tone was one normally used when giving a child directions, Kate didn't care, and she pressed both her hands to the bandages.

Her mind was lost at the sight of the blood still remaining, both on her hands and on his side. "He's going to make it, right?" she asked over the rapidly erratic sound of the heart monitor, swallowing the lump in her throat, fearful of the answer.

Either Alex didn't hear her, or he chose to ignore her. He turned slightly towards Tom. "How much longer?" he almost shouted.

"Two minutes! Come on, come on! Get the fuck out of the way!"

Those two minutes were going to be some of the longest of her life.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**A/N: Once more, thank you all for your kind reviews. You give me the motivation I need to keep working on this. **

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Dreams can sometimes be incredibly vivid things, and sometimes they can be fleeting. Sometimes they were a perfect escape into paradise, and sometimes they were incredibly painful. More often than not, however, they held a grain of truth in some shape, way, or form. It could be in the form of some sort of personal desire, whatever it may be. It could be a subconscious feeling struggling to break through built up walls. It could be a memory, trying to teach you something about the future.

Kate Beckett jolted awake from the uncomfortable chair she had been sitting in. Her chest heaved, and the scars that marred her body pulled. She raised her hand to her forehead, brushing away the perspiration that had accumulated there, and looked around the room she was in, collecting her bearings. The dreaded waiting room. She registered a hand holding her own, and turned to see Laine sitting next to her, concern written all over her face. "Laine, I-"

"I had to wake you, sorry," the ME cut her off before Kate embarrassed herself with some halfbaked explanation.

"No, no, Laine. It's fine. I can't believe I fell asleep." Kate mentally kicked herself and detangled her fingers from her friend's. She leaned foward, elbows on her knees and covered her face with her hands. God, how could she have fallen asleep?

"Do you want to talk about it?" The genuine concern in Laine's voice was enough to pull Kate back from the brink of a mental flogging. She allowed her hands to run down her face before she shook her head softly.

Kate started talking, anyway. "I was right back there, Laine. The graveyard." She moistened her lips as she tried to find the words to express the terror she had felt. Castle was the wordsmith, not her. The way that man made her feel with just his words, it was like a balm, able to smooth over whatever was cracking her hard exterior, but he wasn't there now. No words of wisdom offered up in his strong, confident voice. "I could hear him, as if he were right next to me now." _Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate. _She closed her eyes at the intensity those words brought to her feelings, causing them to surge and sting with fresh tears. "He was begging for me to stay, but… it didn't hurt the way it did back then," she rasped. "Because the bullet wasn't in me. It was in him."

"It was just a dream, Kate," Laine whispered to her.

"This is all my fault, Laine. God, just being around me is a threat to him."

"Katherine Beckett, now you listen to me, and you listen up good." The ME waited until Kate's head tilted just slightly towards her. "This is not your fault. It's not his fault, either. I know you, Kate. I know when you're about to pull away, but you can't do that to him, especially not after everything you've been through together."

"What about you and Espo?" Kate inquired, desperate for a change of subject. It was irritating that the medical examiner knew how to read her like a book. Well, maybe not an entire book, but close enough, and only when it really mattered.

"What about me and Javi?"

"Well, after everything you've been through recently…" she shook her head slightly. "Nevermind. It's none of my business." _Just like Castle and I are none of yours,_ she finished the statement in her head. Even though her friend was only trying to help by getting Kate to open up, she didn't want to. She felt justified in her feelings.

Laine chuckled. "All Javi and I can do it take it one day at a time, just like you and Castle, but Kate what Javi and I have is the stuff of romance novels. What you and Castle have? And if you tell him I said this, I'll make sure you end up on my slab, but… That's the stuff of legend."

Kate huffed a sigh. "I hate not knowing what's going on in there," she breathed, looking at the doors where somewhere down those corridors, Castle was fighting for his life.

"Surgery takes time, Kate. Be patient. He's a strong man. He'll pull through, and Katherine Beckett, you're going to wear a beautiful white wedding dress, walk down the isle with the man of your dreams and say your 'I do's', because I already bought my dress," she added in a saucy tone.

"I feel like…" God, it hurt so bad, regardless of how much hope Laine was trying to instill within her. "I feel like I've already lost him." She needed to see him, because seeing was believing. Feeling the consistent rise and fall of his warm chest, that was the everyday magic she believed in. Suddenly, she was on her feet, taking long strides towards the doors. Just as she reached them, Laine's voice stopped her, pulled her back a couple steps from the doors.

"Just a little longer, Kate," Laine whispered, and coaxed the detective back into her chair.

"Thank you… for coming here, Laine."

The ME smiled. "I was on my way as soon as Javi told me. Where else would I be? He's my friend, too."

Minutes, almost a half hour passed them by like a watched pot that would never boil. Laine's thumb stroked up a soothing rhythm every now and again on Kate's arm, keeping her grounded, giving her that slight grain of hope. The doors opened, and Kate was on her feet in an instant, but when she saw Josh Davidson coming through, she faultered. "Kate?" he said, detouring towards her. "What are you-" he saw the blood staining her clothes. "You're not-?"

"No, no. I'm fine," she replied quickly, and Josh gave her a relieved look. "I thought… aren't you supposed to be in the Amazon?"

"I missed home," he smiled. "You look good… aside from…" he waved at the blood.

"Yeah, you, too." And just when she thought this encounter was going to be more pleasant than their break-up...

"So, where's writer boy?"

"Writer _man_," Kate corrected. Only she was allowed to get on Castle's nerves and call him writer boy, and it felt extremely necessary that she defend Castle's honor when he wasn't there to do it himself, though, now that she thought about it, Castle would have probably let it slide. That was just the kind of man he was. While that might seem like it made him a pushover, Kate saw it as inner strength, resisting the urge to turn it into a confrontation. One of the things she loved about him.

That was all the confirmation he needed to know that Castle was still in her life. "Yeah, whatever. He put you in the crosshairs again? Another sniper at a funeral?"

Kate flinched at that, but recovered quickly. "This again," she murmured, shaking her head.

"Yes, _this_ again, Kate, because that idiot's got you so screwed up, and one day, he will succeed in getting you killed. I am just so thankful I'm not around to see how much further into the rabbit hole you actually are."

"You know, people told me what happened after you left the OR when I was here," she said, recalling the stories of how Josh had gone after Castle. "I didn't believe them, but now, I'm beginning to see… Don't stand there, insulting him, when he's in there fighting for his life."

Kate narrowed her eyes slightly. Laine pulled on Kate's arm, and stepped between them. "Okay, _motorcycle boy_, I think it's time you moved on. In more ways than one."

"Right," Josh said, taking a step back. He gave Kate a hard glare. "I have some _real_ work to do."

Wait, did he just say what she thought he just said? Being a cop wasn't _real_ work? "He's my fiance," she called to his back, delivering the crippling blow that was equivalent to kicking him in the testes.

Josh turned back to look at her. "_Incredible._ Were you fucking him before we broke up?" It wasn't even meant as a question. Before Kate could reply, he had disappeared through the doors.

Rage coiled inside her, and she moved to chase him out the door, but Laine stepped in front of her, hands pushing on her shoulders to keep her still. "Let it go. He doesn't know anything about anything." Kate's wild eyes rested on the ME for a second before they softened. Her tense stance sagged and she felt like she was going to fall. Laine wrapped her arms around Kate while she sobbed into her shoulder.

"Ms. Beckett?" a voice came from behind her. She turned to look at the man in scrubs, and her heart leapt into her throat.

The dejected look on her face had her crumbling.

"Is he-?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**A/N: I couldn't help it! Cliffhangers have to happen occasionally! Not to mention, every other fic I seem to read has them too, and I get equally as frustrated as you guys when I come up to one. Which, I know isn't really helping my case here… I'm just going to throw this chapter up for you and stop talking now…**

* * *

The occasional bleeps and beeps in the room should have been irritating, but to Kate, they were music to her ears and she would willfully listen to them for the rest of her life if she had to. Her fingers tangled with Castle's, while he remained unconscious, but his chest was rising and falling and for now that was enough for her. She had called Martha and Alexis, to no avail. It caused her to wonder where they were, and perhaps worry a little bit. Sometimes it amazed her just how much a cop's imagination resembled that of a mystery writer's, because she was thinking up all sorts of scenarios that had her breath catching, and her fingers itching to dial Ryan and Esposito to track them down. As she thought about it, she seemed to recall that Martha had some sort of event… but for the life of her, she had tuned Castle out that morning when she stepped into the warm shower, and now she couldn't remember.

She was tired. Dark circles were forming under her eyes, but she didn't care about how she looked. All she focused on were the sounds in the room, the feel of his hand in hers, and the way his hair moved under her combing fingers. Time passed a little easier now, though it still felt like an eternity. She recalled the look on the doctor's face when he came into the waiting room to deliver the news; it made her heart sink, and anguish seep in. _You can relax, Ms. Beckett. The surgery was successful. _Her eyes had lit up at those words, those heavenly words. _We're going to keep him in ICU, for now, to keep an eye on him._

Naturally, she demanded to see him, wouldn't take no for an answer. She didn't need a bed, or a comfortable chair. Lower back pain was the least of her worries as she sat on a stool, but she wasn't leaving him. She had a gun, and they really didn't have a choice in the matter.

He still looked so pale and clammy, not at all like the Castle she knew and was going to marry. Already she missed his annoyingly chipper side that always had a positive outlook in anything he did. His body was hooked up to machines, a chest tube protruded from his side to help drain the fluids, the doctor had said, but he was _alive._

She yawned, but the stool prevented her from falling asleep. Just as well, though. She didn't want to be known as the cop who had nightmares in public places. Her name was probably already being dragged through the mud by Josh. Yeah, he was probably bashing her around the water cooler right now, she thought to herself. None of that mattered, though, because Castle was _alive_. Kate kept repeating it in her mind, a mantra. _He's alive, he's alive._

Nurses came and went. One disrupted the sheet that covered the lower half of his body and as the nurse walked away, Kate glared daggers at her back as she fixed the slight rumple. It was something to focus on, for all of two seconds. She mulled over Castle's injuries in her head. They were tormenting her. It was amazing to her the damage a thin piece of steel could do. A collapsed lung? It didn't seem real. Richard Castle was too strong to be taken down by a knife, and yet… not even a bullet could stop him. It took a long time for that bruise on his chest to heal, and he had worn it like a badge of honor as the days passed them by after the hostage negotiations. She hated him for putting her through that, for putting her through it again... _and again_, it seemed, but if she needed to make herself clear about anything, it was this: she was proud of him.

The kind of man he was always gave her the warm fuzzies when she thought about it. He always came off as a selfish jackass, and over time, she had come to accept and love that part of him. While he was still those things, he also was selfless, sentimental and amazingly kind. That side to him always had her choking up inside with love. It was the times when he displayed such courage that really drove the feeling home for her.

Courage she loved and hated him for. She was the cop, but then she remembered the argument they had. _My life. Mine. You don't get to decide_. How much of a hypocrite did this make her for feeling this way? After all, he was deciding for himself what risks were acceptable, right? Just like she had decided the risks were acceptable for herself back then.

She exhaled the breath she didn't realize she had been holding. "Oh, Kate, get a hold of yourself," she murmured, her hand resuming their soothing slide through the short strands of his hair. She smiled at the flecks of gray. It wasn't that he was _much_ older than her. In fact, they made him look distinguished, _ruggedly handsome,_ even. Ten years wasn't that much of a leap. In fact, his wisdom at times had been a rock for her to lean on.

She felt Castle tense just slightly, his breath hitch with a sharp intake of air before exhaling it. "Castle?" she leaned forward, but he didn't wake. _Even when he's asleep, he can't escape the pain,_ she thought to herself.

Hypocrisy be damned, she was the cop. His life should never be on the line like this.

* * *

Eventually, Kate had negotiated for a more comfortable chair, and she managed to lightly doze in it after trying to call Martha and Alexis again. Her head was propped on her arm. Eventually, stiffness caught up with her, and she moaned when she craned her neck, working out the kinks. _Beep, beep, beep._ She looked at the monitor, noting the pattern hadn't changed since the last time she looked at it. She took in the steady rhythm, found a small miniscule amount of comfort from it and then looked at Castle… only to find a pair of ocean blues looking back at her. She almost fell out of her chair when she scrambled to untuck her legs out from under her. Her knee cracked, but she barely felt it in her haste to get closer. "Oh my god," she whimpered, hand shooting out to take his own. "Rick," she breathed, lacing their fingers together.

She smiled, that one smile that always made him melt, because it was a smile that was reserved for him, and him only. Multiply that feeling by ten when mid-smile, she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she did now, because it was the most physically endearing thing about her (not the many times she knocked him on his ass when they managed to find time to spar, but that was a close second), he felt. Her other hand went through the familiar motion of carding through his hair, touching him, feeling her heart mending at the very sight of him, but her smile faltered as he just continued to look at her, a vacant expression on his face. "Castle?"

He gave a rumbling sigh - short lived - before falling back into unconsciousness, leaving her to stare at him, puzzled.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

**A/N: This is a quick one. Work's been kicking my ass, and I've been going to job interviews for another position, so, fingers crossed! And sorry for the delay!**

* * *

Kate dutifully sat by Castle's bed, watching him sleep. She could just hear his voice now, telling her how creepy it was, but only for the fact that was usually her fallback position when he looked at her. Never would she tell him it made her feel loved, though it truly did. She liked pushing his buttons, the same way he pushed hers on the daily basis. That was their rhythm. She felt like she was on guard the entire time. Nurses came and went, and she was ready to pounce on any one of them if they did something questionable. She'd gotten phone calls from the precinct to be kept in the loop in regards to Carl Matthews, but unless than son of a bitch was hanging by his shoelaces in his cell, she didn't care. Gates was understanding, told her to stay at the hospital and keep her informed.

When Kate set her phone down, ending the call with her superior, she had to smile. "I don't know if she's humouring me by asking me to stay here, or if she's actually come to care about you in some miniscule way." Deftly, her hand stroked his arm, brushing over the fine hairs that defined it.

"One way or another, people _always_ succumb to my charm," Castle replied groggily. Kate gasped, not expecting the response, and she inched closer to him on her chair, her fingers seeking out his. She waited for him to turn his head towards her, and he opened his eyes to grace her with his beautiful blues. "Hi," he said, giving her hand a weak, but affectionate squeeze.

"Hi," she replied back.

He took a look around the room, confused for a second. He shifted on the bed, and was immediately informed of a very good reason why he was in a hospital room. "Easy, Rick," Kate croaked, her other hand rubbing soothing circles upon his shoulder. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I brought a knife to a gun fight," he muttered, giving a deep, rumbling sigh that was music to Kate's ears. His brow furrowed in thought. "Wait… strike that. Reverse it." Yes, that made more sense… no, wait, it really didn't. "You know what, I'm all… druggy, and stuff. Anything I say is going to sound stupid."

"Everything you say always sounds stupid. You don't need drugs for that," she chortled, and leaned forward to press her lips to the corner of his mouth. When she pulled away, he was giving her a pointed look, that had her acquiescing. "Okay, fine. Not _everything_."

"Stop it."

"What?" My ego is going to burst." He cracked a smile at her, which earned him one back.

"How are you feeling?" she asked again, this time more seriously.

"Like I need to upgrade my bulletproof vest to a knifeproof one?"

"Castle."

"I'm fine, Kate. Don't worry. I'd love to get rid of this thing, though," he said, fingering the nasal cannula.

Kate swatted his hand away from his nose. "Are you in any pain?"

"Well, _yeah_," he scoffed, "you just hit my hand."

She reached for the hand he was flicking about slightly and brought it to her lips, pressing a long, healing kiss to his skin. "Better?" she asked after a moment, eyebrows raised.

Castle had to think about it for a second, but somehow, he thought he'd be pushing his luck if he asked her to do it again. Besides, the smile on her face was just to die for. "Yeah," he replied. It wasn't long before her smile was drifting away, unwanted thoughts clouding her mind. "I'm sorry," Castle blurted out.

Kate looked at him sharply. "_You_ have nothing to be sorry for. If anyone should be apologizing, it's _me_." He saw it now, on her face. Like his fictional characters, he was able to read her like a book sometimes, and the guilt was right there on the surface.

"How about… we don't do this now?" he offered, because it could go on for a while, and he was just so damned tired. He lay there, propped up by some decently comfortable pillows, and gazed at her under heavy eyelids. He resisted the pull, wanting to indulge in her for a while longer. Her presence made the ache in his side more bearable. Her fingers ghosting over his arm left goosebumps. Her demeanor was telling him something, and he needed to figure out what it was, because she was the mystery he was trying to solve. It was almost as if he could see the stones in her 'wall' rising higher now. "You have… blood on your shirt."

She looked down at her shirt at his random comment, and noticed for the first time that yes, his blood was all over her, in more ways than one, it felt like. This was her fault. "Yeah," she mumbled.

"Are you -" he started.

"I'm fine, Castle. It's not mine. It's…" she swallowed the lump in her throat. "It's yours."

"Oh." He leaned back into the pillow. "You should go home, Kate."

"Babe, what are you saying," she rolled her eyes at him, shook her head because that was clearly a crazy idea. Her fiance was lying in a hospital bed, for crying out loud. She wasn't about to just _leave_.

"Sleep. Rest. Get changed," he said. "I'm not going anywhere." Hell, he couldn't even if he wanted to. "You're exhausted."

God, a shower sounded really good right about now, but then… Castle? She couldn't just leave him. Not now, because she was so uncertain about a lot of things at that moment. She wanted to hash some things out with him, but he was right. There was a time and a place, and this wasn't it. It was disconcerting for her that she couldn't read him. She didn't know what he was thinking. Did he _hate_ her now for putting him through this? Stabbed, under her watch, her protection. God, she hated herself. What right did she have to be a cop after this?

"Okay. After you fall asleep, though, and I'll do my best to be back before you wake up." That was her promise. She stood up, leaned over his bed and pressed her mouth to his own, desperate for the reassurance only he could give her. It was meant to be quick, and lull him into sleep, but she couldn't pull away. She rested her forehead upon his, and stayed there with her eyes closed, thanking whoever was watching out for him for keeping him alive. "You almost died," she whispered, in emotional agony. "I thought… I…" she bit her lip, fought the tears.

Castle brought his hand up to tangle with her caramel curls. "I'm right here," he murmured, his other hand resting on her chest, her heart. "Always."

Her hand came to rest on his chest, too. "Always."


End file.
